Washington, DC October 18, 2016
“I didn’t set out to destroy the party. I don’t really think it is broken even now. It’s just a boisterous bunch a boys lookin for a rowdy good time, that’s all. It is a party, ain’t it? Y’know my favorite song is Jason Aldeen’s My Kinda Party. I just love it. Really gets me going. So I’m not party averse. I mean let’s party, right? What is a political party anyway? A group of people getting together with mutual interests just trying to have a good time. That’s why they call it a party, right? Otherwise it’d just be called the administrative organization political group. That does not have a good ring to it, no sir. Hey, I’m the party leader and we have more Governors in office and we control the Senate and the House. So y’know, I’m not buying all the hand wringing over this election. Was Trumpy my first choice? No. But I only get one vote. The people chose Trump. Don’t blame me. The kids love him. I mean they just love him. Being able to say and do anything at anytime and then just blame whoever. They think he’s the greatest. One of ’em told me they may never get in trouble again. I mean seriously, we could sweep this thing, House, Senate whatever. It’s like we’re on a merry-go-round and it just won’t stop. Is the room moving or am I just getting dizzy? Remember Dizzy Gillespie? He could really play ball, right? We need more power hitters like him on the Washington Nationals. That team should be called the Washington Democrats, they lose so much, right? Anyway, I’m supposed to meet Trumpy later to make sure he’s with the program, but I’m not sure if the meetings still on. I just saw him on TV half way across the country. He’s funny. I like him. Have I introduced you to my secretary? Would you like a drink?” —©


New York, NY October 9, 2016
“I’m not sure if the tape was doctored or what, but I don’t exactly remember saying all of that. I might have had a minor type of similar conversation with Billy Bush, but it was so long ago maybe the Clintons fixed up the tape to make me look bad, I really don’t know. What I do know is that Bill Cosby is on trial here not me, right? So if the evidence were so strong that something illegal happened, then why aren’t I in jail? Think about it. He’s out roaming the streets with his medication doing who knows what while the media focus’s on me. Is it Bill Cosby or Bill Clinton? I don’t know. What I do know is that some women are very hot. Should I keep that a secret? I don’t think so. Besides, get over yourselves. I’ve said and done a lot worse before this came out that everybody already knows about. Why this? Why now? Media bias, right? Just wear your red hats and vote for me and let my private conversations stay private. After all, what about the 1st and 2nd amendments? Think about that. Do we need more amendments to protect my right to speak with a member of the Bush family in a private bus, just us two? Can you get a little privacy here in the states? I’m not sure anymore, right? It seems a little coincidental that a relative of Jeb’s is trying to bring me down with a little tape. Bushes in the White House. Bushes in the media. What’s up with that? Seems a little fishy to me. Y’know Snowden’s in Russia where he can speak freely about stuff. Ironic right? Hillary blasts my friend Vladimir but he lets an American speak his mind. What about my rights? Do I have to go to Russia to say what I feel? I hope not. I hope that America is still a place I can call home. Women are driving this issue. I don’t have a problem with them. They have a problem with me. I’m an open book. What are they thinking? I don’t want their votes anyway. They can stay home for all I care. If they don’t like that kind of talk, vote for someone else. I’ve got to be me. I’ve got to be free to express myself. You finally have a chance to vote for a President that revealed the skeletons in his closet before election day, not after. I’m not dropping out. I’m not a quitter. Don’t miss your chance to bring some reality to DC.” —©


Mountain View, CA. October 6, 2016
“The valley is about constant innovation and reinvention. If we just rest on our laurels we’ll only get as far as we’ve already been and no further. We want to step boldly into the future. To do that we sometimes need to make painful decisions. This was one of them. It really all started with search. Search brought us to the party. But it’s becoming a commodity. You can find whatever you need on ask, bing, duckduckgo, or dogpile. The delta between us and them has been shrinking and historically so do the margins. Once a product goes generic, it’s time to move on. Let yahoo add our distinctiveness to their own and a superior product should emerge. We will retain a non-material equity position in Verizon who is scheduled to aquire yahoo in the future. We plan to reinvest the proceeds in flying cars, balloon internet delivery platforms and life extension research.” —©


New York, NY September 29, 2016
“It makes sense. I set the standards for beauty in contests that I own and run. If you don’t meet my standards don’t go crying to the press about it. Maybe you should just stop stuffing Dunkin Donuts down your piehole for a minute. I mean take a break honey. Give it a rest. You’re gonna wear out your choppers. Get a hobby, but don’t make it cooking, OK? Look, I’m as sensitive as the next guy, but this Miss Universe is spending her time complaining about things she said I told her years ago, please. I’m a businessman and her weight gain caused me to loose a few bucks so I told her to shape up or ship out. You think I invented shape up or ship out, huh? No, it’s been around for a long time. Get with the program honey. I like my models thin and thiner. Get it? Not dumb and dumber like you. I love women, but this is the beauty business. If you can’t stand the heat get back in the kitchen where you can be barefoot and pregnant for all I care, just not with my kid cause you have weight issues Miss Universe and I don’t put up with imperfection in the Trump family or any of our subsidiary organizations. Now don’t cry about it dear, there’s always next year at the Coney Island hot dog eating contest. You could partner with the 400 pound hacker I mentioned at the debate. I think you could do well as a team. As President I would have many new concepts for constructive citizenry including height and weight protocols. I believe strongly in eugenics and intend to apply Federal mandates for acceptable male and female appearance standardization”. —©


New York, NY September 27, 2016
“I won. I always win. Nothing new. Winners win. This debate was no different. Even with a bad mike, there really is no debate about it. Just about everyone on the internet says I’m the most interesting, exciting personality around. All the media is infatuated with me. I’m afraid to be alone with them. They give me the creeps, they’re so in love with everything I say and everything I do. Besides, I’m making them too much money by boosting their ratings through the roof. I can play them like a fiddle anyway. I can call a press conference, stop by a show or just call anyone at anytime and command attention. That’s leadership. Y’know leadership is not always doing something or having a plan. Sometimes it’s just leading. Leadership, don’t under rate it. I have it and I use it. No one else does, so follow me or I’ll remove you. Not like Hitler. I don’t want to kill anyone, but if you disagree with me like Hillary does, then you disagree with America and you need to leave. I don’t care where you go, just get out. Not just illegals, but Rosie O’Donnell and everyone else that is anti-me.” —©


Cupertino, Ca. September 11, 2016
“We’re not done. I mean it. Removing the phone jack was just a small step towards our ultimate version of the iPhone. I don’t mind telling you what to expect in the future. It’ll be just a sheet of waterproof, smudge-proof, unbreakable glass. On both sides y’know really it will be just like a clear ice cube. There will be no buttons or protrusions. Nothing to interfere with the pure beauty of a small sheet of clear glass. Even the camera components won’t be discernible from the clear phone itself. There will be 30 lenses. You won’t need to know where the lenses are as they will find you and your subjects. It does this in two ways. We will use harmless laser scanner image detection technology and by massive memory capacity that allows constant videos and photographs to be recorded in advance of your request, therefore capturing events that you would not have known you even wanted to record. First our products were known for being something that you didn’t even know that you needed. Now the products themselves will be responsible for capturing all kinds of sounds and images that you didn’t know you wanted, well, until you do. And they’ll be uploaded to the Apple cloud in real time for your retrieval whenever you want. Question about where you were at some point? Pull the images and location data for a specific time and date. We’ll store everything indefinitely for you. Basically you will just speak your command and you needn’t touch the phone in any way. It will be operable from up to 100 feet away. It’s really just a base station at that point. You’ll need to be wearing your Apple ear buds at all times but why wouldn’t you anyway? The ear buds will have a super sensitive microphone to broadcast your commands to your clear sheet of glass iPhone. If you call for a video it will project a holographic image on the most hospitable surface it can find or a location of your choice including right in front of your face. Calls will be routed directly to your ear buds, emails or texts will be dictated and launched remotely. All can be accepted or rejected by voice command. Movies can be filmed with the phone recording multiple scenarios, angles and positions including up to 100 versions. The phone can edit all the data and process best case offering choices for your selection or you can manually review and edit like the old days. Apps won’t exist, of course, as everything considered back end will just be unnecessary noise. When you call for something it’ll be available to you without finding it in a store or paying. Your monthly Apple all-access pass will cover everything. There will also be an advanced siri-style AI component that gets used to you, if you will, and just knows what to play, which calls to accept, emails to write and texts to send automatically or with input from you if desired. The next-gen ear buds at that point will have replaced our watch product in terms of functionality. The watches will still be available as a retro party favor. But the ear buds will project holographic images and communicate with you via voice command, so some large box on your wrist will look about as stylish as a large brick phone from 1988. You can count on us to move things forward and don’t worry, you’ll get used to leaving your phone wherever you want up to 100 feet away. Your earbud projector, microphone and voice command unit really covers almost all of what you currently use your iPhone for. The iPhone isn’t likely to be stolen either. It automatically contacts you and the police if you wish, should anyone other than you try and pick it up. The phone will recognize your hand coupled with the electronic signature of your ear bud. Basically the glass sheet shuts down and becomes a hot potato paper weight to anyone foolish enough to take it. Yeah, there’s a lot to look forward to and really as you might have guessed, we expect the ear bud to ultimately replace the glass sheet. Of course, the ear bud itself is scheduled to be replaced by a semi-protruding earlobe implant which we believe will replace physical product launches with software downloads directly to you whenever you are online or near a hot spot.” —©


Detroit, MI September 4, 2016
“No, I have been and will remain totally focused. Being me doesn’t mean being anyone else. It means that I will project my insides outward for an aura of total honesty and trustworthiness. I completely deny that I want to be everything to everyone. Although as a salesman it is tempting to satisfy your audience and make the sale. I have been known to close a deal or two and then revert to my original plan. But let me tell you this, if my original plan was good then who cares. I mean what has anybody got to lose anyway? I’m me and I can get it done. You know it and I know it. Getting it done overrides following any game plan that may have been created by something that I might have said. Remember, I said it – so who would know what I meant better than me? And if I change my mind? Do you believe that only a lady can do that? That’s sexism. Rampant sexism and I won’t stand for it. Look however it turns out, don’t rely on some dopey speech I may have given or some plan you read about. Instead look for me to move the ball down the field and score the goal. Stop nitpicking about me saying one thing to one group and something else to another. In the end, if you elect me, you already know that I’ll do whatever I want whenever I want to. It’s less about a scattershot approach and more about winning. The ends justify the means, right? If you agree with me, vote for me and then let me worry about it.” —©


New York, NY August 25, 2016
“I never said I was going to round them up and toss them out. Of course they can stay. We’ve got plenty of room here. All are welcome. What I did say was the bad ones will most probably need to think about leaving. Maybe not right away, but at some point. Remember these people are robbers and rapists and such. But not all of them. Some I suppose are nice people. People who need people. We’re good people and we like other good people. People are people so take care of your brother, people. Now some people say I’m flip-flopping, but as usual they are dead wrong. I’m not a squishy do-nothing kowtower like career politicians. I’m a do something get it done expert. Get ’em out of here I say and I don’t give a rats you know what whether or not they have a job or a family. Just get ’em the heck out of our country. We’re taking it back and quickly, believe me. I don’t need no one to make this happen. I’m known for getting things done. I don’t need any foreigners to muck up the works. That’s why I like the blacks. They can stay. They were here before my family so they can stay. But the line in the sand will be the date my grandfather came to America. Everyone who was here before him can stay, everyone else must be out by sundown March 30, 2017. I’ll give ’em 90 days from my coronation in January 2017. I don’t need Obama handing me the keys that day. He can high-tail it out of town with the rest of ’em. I’m changing the locks anyway. Get ready people, we’re gonna need to put our nose to the grindstone. Without the illegals to do the dirty work, somebody’s gonna need to step up. I’d do it of course. I’m known for my hard work in the field. I’m the blue collar billionaire so I’ve got my pick-up and my 6 pack and my coleman and I’m out on the lake or deep in the woods on the weekends let me tell you boy. Yep, I’m wearin a red kerchief around my neck and a whoopin and a hollerin my way down the trail every chance I get. But as your President I’m not gonna be able to be out there with you, but the works gotta get done, right? So after we get these foreigners out a here you guys will need to pick up the slack. But at least they’ll be gone and we’ll have our country back. It’s been a long road lettin ’em in here to stomp all over our laws and our constitution. But the jig is up. Goodbye illegals. Now a lot of ’em can stay though. I mean don’t get all riled up if you got a family, I think we can probably work with you. If you have a job or a business maybe you can pay us some dinero to you know grease the skids. Look I know how to negotiate these deals and I’ll have the final say on who stays or goes. We’ll work something out. But this is rock solid, no changes – write it in the book cause it’s good as done, period. My word is my bond. Remember even if you leave whether we toss you out or you go voluntarily, there will be a path back. I mean it’s my hope that some will stay and some will leave and all will re-unite back in the USA at the appropriate time for a celebration of unity no matter where you were born or what you believe. All men were created equal and as President I’ll make sure that no man, woman or child is more equal then any other unless there are some sort of special circumstances.” —©


Washington,DC August 14, 2016
“I will ban them all when I’m elected. They just don’t get how popular I am and how much you folks love me. They harp on and on about nothing really. Nothing any of us care about anyway. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know you do. It really irks me though, especially the failing New York Times. They call that reporting? C’mon. Come out to my rallies. See what the people respond to. They respond to me and my messages about me. I’m who they want to see and I’m willing to expose my most inner self to them at all times. I’m about honesty. I can’t help myself. The truth about me and what I am and what I do and what I want and what I have just flows like water from my lips. I mean who knows me best? Me or the media? Me. I know me best. I am in the best position to tell my story my way. I’m the one who is in control of me. I say what I think and it’s better than what other people especially the media think or say or do. I have all the information that needs to be distributed so they can save time and stop investigating and researching, just ask me and I’ll tell them whatever they want to know. No secrets, nothing to hide everything out in the open for all to see. Clear, crisp and fully under the microscope – I truly have nothing to hide. I’m an open book. Stop digging up stuff on me that no one and I mean no one wants to know about. Instead, just ask me and I’ll lay it out for you neat and tidy. If I am elected that is the way information will be distributed anyway. The old fashioned press conference in that little room is over. This is the digital age. I can tweet in my sleep. You really think I’m going to put on a suit and stand in that little room like a stooge for you to question like I’m on trial? How’d you ever get those other leaders to do that, anyway? Some leaders. Don’t bother driving over to the White House. Just follow me on Twitter and you’ll have all the info you need. You can submit any questions you have electronically and we’ll get to appropriate questions as we can. I’ll put together everything you need to know and save everyone time. As a truth-teller I can do that and better than anyone. Trust me. If I do take office there will be no press access to the White House. It’s a time waster and really out of date. I’ll be working on behalf of the American people and they don’t want me kowtowing to reporters and such when I could be negotiating deals and restoring America to greatness. So all you media types can just sit in your offices and cancel your travel budgets cause if I have anything to say, I’ll reach out to you. Until then write about the latest recipes, fashion and sports. Politics will be handled appropriately for once so you’d be wasting your time anyway. Besides, my strategy is to keep most things secret. And what I don’t keep secret will be layered with disinformation. Also to keep people off-balance I will say one thing and do another to really bring my unpredictability to a new level. I’ll mostly be acting on the political stage for the consumption of our enemies. All information, even basic Secret info will be strict need to know and broken into small components that five or more individuals carry separately. Then under certain circumstances they can be brought together to reconstitute the messages. See, my ability to keep a secret is more sophisticated than you thought. I’m also good at distraction and misdirection which should help keep our enemies off-balance for sure.” —©


Ashburn, VA August 2, 2016
“I’m not crazy. She’s the devil, not me. She’s the one you should be looking at for testing. Get the demons out of Hillary, not me. I can control mine. I’m likely the sanest man on the planet. I’m very successful. I have a mansion and a yacht. Is anyone more successful than me? Not really. My head is screwed on straight. I’ve got it together. I’m my own man and build big things all over. People hire my company to consult. Do you usually pay millions of dollars to someone who is unstable? Stability is what I’m paid for. Keeping things on the up and up. On the straight and narrow. In a pigs eye I’m nuts. They’re nuttier than a fruitcake. Get my wallet from my jacket, I’ll show you who’s crazy. Here look do you see a business card from my shrink? See no shrink. I’m probably like the number one sanest person on this continent. Could I lend my name to developers if my name was no good? I beat all comers fair and square like I always do. Hillary should be committed not me. I take some meds to stay level, does she? Maybe the media should focus on Hillary’s stability not mine. I’m fully covered by my health plan and get all the medication I need. Nobody sleeps 4 hours and flies around like me. I’m everywhere. I don’t care if they legalize pot in Colorado or wherever. That’s not my prime concern. I got bigger fish to fry. There are a lot of Republicans that haven’t heard the last of me either. Drugs or no drugs I’ll take a medical test or drug test or whatever. Bring it on. I’m mentally competent. I’m the #1 most mentally competent man in the country. Nobody is more stable, even-tempered and likable than me. People form crowds wherever I go. People like me. I’m likable. Like me or don’t and I’ll return the favor at some point believe me. Get in line but be ready for blowback losers. I don’t let it roll off my back like water off a duck. I keep records. And remember insanity is not a plea or a defense, it’s just a state of mind if you can comprehend my stream of consciousness dynamic earthbound rhetorical diatribes with love and comfort but not the enemy cause that’s Hillary not me and whatever’s got a grip on her from inside get it out.” —©